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[Roni]

The latest comic, The Invisible Intruder, can be found here. So what's your reaction to it, people?

[Flewellyn]

He's fallen into one of the geek social fallacies. "I can't refuse a friend in trouble." I remember living with that one for some time...it got me taken advantage of over and over again until I finally wised up.

What I learned is, yes, you can refuse a friend in trouble, if what they need is beyond what you can reasonably provide. Sometimes you have to, for sanity's sake. You can certainly be expected to lend a sympathetic ear, a shoulder to cry on, even some material aid if someone dear to you needs it, but if what they need is more than you can give...you have to tell them no.

In our society, we have people who are dedicated, paid helpers. Therapists, doctors, social workers, advocates. They are often underpaid, and occasionally not helpful as they should be, but they exist to do what friends and family often can't do, which is provide the kind of intensive assistance for someone whose situation is sufficiently fucked-up that fixing it is a full-time job.

Well, obviously, if you know someone like this, you can still help out some by being said sympathetic ear, shoulder to cry on, or perhaps even ride to the therapist's office. But any therapist would tell you, trying to treat someone who is close to you will just make both of you sicker.

Eh, sorry to rant, I've just seen this kind of dynamic overstress too many friends of mine, who felt they couldn't refuse a friend "in trouble".

[darkenna]

I disagree. It is possible to always help a friend in trouble without putting yourself in the way of harm or risk. The trick is to being able to identify the difference between what they want from you and what you can give (or what they think they need and what they actually need), and then helping out in a way you can without making sacrifices you can't afford.
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"I don't do Judgement, just Retrieval."

[Flewellyn]

I'm not sure we're disagreeing, then.

Basically, I think sometimes it's necessary to say to a friend "You need more help than I can give. I can help you find someone who can give you that help, though."

And if they don't take you up on the offer (which I have had happen a couple of times), THEN you have to say "Well, I can't help you, then."

[luna_northcat]

I think you are also leaving out the issue of identifying who is really a *friend* -- since the people one associates with are not automatically friends. Learning to identify those who have simply figured out that they can make a living by parasitising people's innate decency is an important life skill, too.