Married, With Children

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Shawn, over six and a half years and you're still my perfect platypus; my boy of ill-fitting parts.
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The Script For Today's Comic!

Married, With Children
(7 panels)

Panel 1:
(Tom's looking at a calendar in the kitchen. Karla is baking cookies.)

TOM: "Jeez, Karla, we've been married for over three years now."

KARLA (bemused): "No roses for our three-point-one-seventh anniversary? I'm shocked."

Panel 2 (or more):
TOM (wistfully): "I never thought I'd get married; I was a punk singer, touring the country in a beat-up van and drinking hooch out of ladies' boots down in New Orleans."

Panel 3:
TOM (slight concern): "But now, I'm married and living in the suburbs. I cut my hair because I was going bald. I spend my days with one woman, I mow the lawn because I like the way it looks, and a big night out for us is seeing a movie."

KARLA: "Do you miss those single days?"

Panel 4:
(Tanner bursts in the door — and I mean bursts, kicking it open and off the hinges, obviously causing repairs that will cost money to fix. He's clutching an empty bottle of cheap liquor in his hands, tears have streaked his face, and he is struggling to stay upright even as he works overtime to infect the world with psychodrama.)

TANNER: "I did everything for her and I love her so much but ANN'S CHEATING ON ME!"

Panel 5:
(Tanner clutches Tom's shirt, hanging on to his chest in a way that would be utterly pathetic if Tanner wasn't so huge and Tom wasn't so alarmed. He is ruining Tom's shirt and crying profusely.)

TANNER: "I gave her my car! My money! My official Flash super-costume ring! And then I find out she's seeing two guys behind my back and I didn't know but I found her at the back of the club with Hammerhead and I NEED MORE DRINK!"

Panel 6:
(Silence as Tanner loses it and passes out onto the floor with a "plop.")

Panel 7:
TOM (loftily, continuing as if Tanner'd never entered): "…No, I don't miss my old life at all."

KARLA: "Single friends: reminding you why you got married."

TANNER (reaching up from the floor, weakly): "There's cooking sherry in the cabinet! I can smell it!"

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