One From Column A, One From Column B-movie
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The Script For Today's Comic!
(Tom and Carla at a party with other people – a sedate party, where people are laying on couches and talking. Feel free to go nuts on the detail.)
TANNER: "Did you hear what happened to whats-her-name on Battlestar: Galactica?"
TOM: "She got raped, didn’t she?"
TANNER: "I thought you didn't watch Battlestar, Tom."
TOM: "I don't. But she's a female character, and one of two things can happen to her: she'll get raped, or she'll get pregnant."
(Party fades away as Tom gestures to an infinite row of bearded, ugly men behind him, typing away at keyboards and typewriters.)
TOM: "You see, movies and TV are mostly written by men — and the sorts of men who get drawn to writing science fiction and fantasy tend not to have a whole lot of experience with women."
(Tom still narrating, now in front of a group of apelike men standing in awe in front of a 2001-style monolith with a Playboy pinup taped to it)
TOM: "They don't know much about women, having gleaned their knowledge from porno, but they know women can give birth and be raped. Thus, to a TV writer, that is the only function that women have."
(A good science-fiction writer being turned away at the door by a corporate executive [Harlan Ellison might be good visually], and at the back door he's dangling a few paltry bucks to the Dawn of the Dead-like crowd of wanna-be writers out back, who react with joy and thrills.)
TOM: "Plus, real science-fiction — the kind that postulates alternate universes, as opposed to just westerns in space — terrifies TV executives and alienates audiences, so the people who usually write sci-fi and fantasy are underpaid, undertalented, and too lazy to come up with another motivation for a woman that's not vagina-related."
(Return to the party. Tanner and the rest seem vaguely discomfited by this thought.)
TANNER: "So how would you fix it, smart guy?"
TOM: "I'd just balance it out a bit."
(A large, wicked pair of scissors in front of a pair of dangling cherries.)
TOM: "See, the rape is every woman's worst fear, but we rarely see every man's worst fear — castration."
(Cast of your favorite show [or several shows], each male with fresh bandages over his crotch and looking anguished)
"To maintain equal rights, every time a woman was raped or pregnant, I'd neuter a male on the cast."
(A rusted, serrated spoon in close-up while the Big Action Star of your choice cowers in the corner, shrieking like the girl in Silence of the Lambs.)
TOM: "Imagine the drama of the chop! The anguish of the recovery! The callousness of the men around him! The Oscar-award-winning performances!"
(Same Big Action Star, standing tall amidst a bunch of singing choirboys two feet shorter than he is, some of whom are looking up at him quizzically. Action Star is singing joyously.)
TOM: "…and, finally, the recovery."
(Return to the party. Stunned silence.)
GENERIC WOMAN #1: "You really know how to kill a conversation, Tom."
KARLA (snuggling close): "That's why I love him!"
TOM (eagerly): "Did I ever tell you my theory on Oral Roberts?"